


A Much Needed Change

by cloudeater (anxiousgoat), gigglefit (NoctuaLusa), tschulie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:42:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26745322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgoat/pseuds/cloudeater, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoctuaLusa/pseuds/gigglefit, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tschulie/pseuds/tschulie
Summary: "The author" faces the ultimate punishment from Dumbledore and McGonagall, resulting in some changes around Hogwarts.
Kudos: 4
Collections: Fanatical Fam's Crackfic Chaos





	A Much Needed Change

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Crackfic written by the Fanatical Fam over on the discord for the Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them podcast!  
> These fics have been created using our favourite bot - Chocolate Frogs - during a game we like to call Crackfic Chaos.

Dumbledore was sitting in his study, a fat book open in front of him and six other stacked on the desk beside him. He was bent over them, his eyes skimming the pages in fascination. 

Minerva cleared her throat. "Ahem. Albus? You were saying something?" He jerked his head up as though he'd forgotten she was there. 

"Ah yes, Minerva. Most fascinating. Look at these books - this one's called Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!" Minerva clapped her hand over her mouth, realising that something was rotten in the wizarding world. Minerva stared at the Harry Potter books in awe, horrible realisation dawning on her - Something was rotten, indeed, and she wondered if Dumbledore could smell it, too.

"Albus, do you...?" Dumbledore nodded solemnly and pointed into the corner of his office, where a woman stood, wearing a Terf shirt and looking a bit shocked.

"She's what's smelling, in case you were wondering," he sighed. "she's come in here, shouting about how she made me gay for the LGBT community for hours." 

Minerva wrinkled her pointy nose. "But you've been gay for, like, one hundred years, Albus," she said.

Albus sighed. "I know, Minnie. I know." He rolled his twinkling eyes. "But look at that stinking hag. What do you expect from such an.... "author"?" 

"Nothing" was the answer. There was nothing to expect from that person. The "author". Minerva sighed. 

"So what should we do with her?" Dumbledore lent back with a shrug, his eyes twinkling, as they always did. 

"I say she gets detention in the forbidden forest, as we always tend to do. Author of these books or not, we do have a teaching duty that she clearly and desperately needs. Don't you, Joanne?" 

And so, She-who-must-not-be-named was brought into the Forbidden Forest when the sun set beyond the castle. Twigs scratched her ankles, leaves stuck in her hair. When someone coughed politely behind her, she tripped and fell into Hagrid's arms (who wrinkled his nose in disgust). There, her neck was placed into the guillotine that Hagrid had built, sad but knowing it was the right thing to do, and her head was sliced neatly off. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was no more. 

"And now," said Minerva solemnly, "There is only one thing left to be done." 

"We have to fix what she broke," agreed Hagrid. 

The mission to fix the damage was started immediately after the not so unfortunate and not so surprising passing of the author. All the pride flags were already hissed as everyone arrived in the Great Hall, where the concrete changes should be announced. 

Meanwhile the house elves had already formed a delegation to state precisely what they needed from their "masters" (headed, of course, by Hot Dobby), and Blaise and Ron were racing through the school casting glitter spells on every available surface. In the Great Hall, Dumbledore clapped his hands. 

"First," he anounced, "We will be appointing three therapists to serve full time at the school since EVERYBODY here needs therapy!" Minerva stepped up beside him to make her own announcement. She took a deep breath and smiled at the students. 

"After long discussions between the teachers, we also decided to have sex education lessons in Hogwarts. We think, they are needed in here." She looked sternly a special someone. Harry looked very obviously away from McGonagall, whistling, playing innocent. Well, he didn't need SexEd now, he would have a couple of months ago and it sure would have made things less embarrassing...

Well future generations wouldn't need to hear the McGonagall sex talk in private then, good for them Now that Harry Potter knew where babies came from, the world was a better place. 

Sirius, suddenly raised from the dead, could make out with Remus undisturbed, Ron and Hermione wouldn't need to hold back giggle fits (or give him pitying looks) and Professor McGonagall.... well, thank God that would be over now. All was well. 

Now if only he could get access to therapy....


End file.
